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Before You Had a Name

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Baby Girl.

I can't remember how long I wanted you to come into this world and be a part of mine.  It was since the time I was a little girl, carrying around a little doll.  The fire really hit when I met your daddy.  It took him a while to be ready to think about having you.  He wanted everything to be perfect for his first child, and I'm thankful for that, because it's pretty damn close to being perfect after all the work he has done to get everything ready for you.  Your room is perfect.  Freshly renovated with fresh paint and brand new furniture from your grandma.  Your home is cozy, fresh and new.  Your daddy made sure everything was in place for our finances, our insurance, and all that business stuff that someone as responsible as your daddy takes care of.  And tomorrow's my birthday and he got me curio cabinets for the dinning room!  These were very important in my planning for you to come since they gave us more storage so we would have more room for your bottles.  So right down to the bottles and the organization of everything a little girl could ever need, it's pretty perfect this set up we have waiting for you.  I hope you like it.  I know you will.  From the moment I saw those two little lines, I've been preparing for your arrival.  Maybe even before that.  Yea, definitely even before that.  I felt you move for the first time and your little body, maybe a little foot, when across the right side of my womb.  I was 14 weeks, maybe?  I'm regretting not writing every time a milestone happened in our journey of these last 9 months.  They went by so fast!  


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Before I had a baby I wanted to have four.  I wanted to be a stay at home mom.


The reality is, I don't think I could do that.  As I sit right here, right now, I don't think I could handle the pressure of being home alone with my baby every single day.

Today, my 9 month old ate her own poop.  Yup.  Sitting in her crib, her poop leaked out of her diaper and she looked down at the undigested peas she had eaten last night and ATE them.. again..

Last night I snapped at her.  I yelled, "STOP!" as she threw a fit while I tried changing her diaper.

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