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Reality

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Before I had a baby I wanted to have four.  I wanted to be a stay at home mom.

HA!

The reality is, I don't think I could do that.  As I sit right here, right now, I don't think I could handle the pressure of being home alone with my baby every single day.

Today, my 9 month old ate her own poop.  Yup.  Sitting in her crib, her poop leaked out of her diaper and she looked down at the undigested peas she had eaten last night and ATE them.. again..

Last night I snapped at her.  I yelled, "STOP!" as she threw a fit while I tried changing her diaper.

I realized what had happened and I placed her in her pack n play without a diaper and walked away.  I sat on our stairs and cried.  And took a deep breath and went back to her.  I held her down and calmly put her diaper on as she screamed.  I honestly don't know what else I should have done differently.  She needed her diaper on her body.  She was throwing a complete fit, but I had to, for 2 minutes, ignore it and get the job done.

It's heartbreaking.  I don't know what I'm doing wrong. I'm afraid I'm raising her wrong every single day.  She's in daycare.  I'm afraid that's wrong.  She's scratching and hitting and ripping my lip as she nurses and hurting me.  I do nothing.  I'm afraid that's wrong.  She yells because she can't communicate yet.  I pick her up.  I'm afraid that's wrong and I'm teaching her that if she wants something she has to be loud and throw a fit and she'll get what she wants.  I don't know what I'm doing.  I feel lost sometimes.  I want her to be kind.  I want her to be poised.  I want her to be perfect.  And I feel like I'm not doing this mother thing correctly and she's going to be the opposite of all those things because I'm doing it wrong.

I'm practicing attachment parenting.  I'm afraid that's wrong.  She sleeps in bed with us and I'm there when she needs me.  It's what I feel is natural and right, but what if that's wrong?

The reality is, I'm scared of what she will become.  I'm shaping this young woman.  It's terrifying.

All I can do is take it day by day.  Minute by minute.  Do what I feel is right.

She is healthy.
She is smart.
She is fed.
She is clean.
She is clothed.
She is LOVED.

If all those things are true, I must be doing something right.  I have to remember that.

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