Today, I just feel like writing. I know.. There is so much else I should be doing, but honestly, I think I may go crazy if I don't just..write.
This is my therapy. This is my chance to organize my thoughts and feelings so that they don't get bottled up and confusing in my heart. It's a sort of.. prayer. I know He hears me when I write and when I feel and I know He is keeping watch over everything in my life right now. It's nice to know that. He goes unthanked too often, but He is still there.
I love my baby, but I miss my husband. He is still there though. He is reliable. He is loving. He is supportive. He is my rock when I need to crash into him like a wave of emotion. He stays strong as the waves break against him. He too goes unthanked too often. I pray for him. I pray for his true happiness in the midst of this crazy life we are in right now. And I know he finds it when he looks into her eyes. I know he finds it when she says "Dad" for the first time and his face lights up.
I am tired. My baby is sick right now with a virus that makes her unable to breastfeed comfortably. She wants to. She tries to. But she can't from the pain. Coxsackievirus is a breastfeeding mother's worst nightmare. The secret weapon of the boob is stripped away when they need it the most. For hydration, for comfort. I felt completely powerless and defeated as my baby cried herself to sleep against my chest with my breasts so close but unable to soothe her. She held them though as if she knew I was trying. Still thanking me for letting them be out for her as we snuggled skin to skin. She holds them so dear as she nurses and hold the opposite one for comfort. This breastfeeding journey is one that I will forever cherish, as I know it will be over before I know it. My husband is there though giving skin to skin comfort as well. He holds her so close as she pulls his chest hair and plays. They have such a special bond that is growing every day. The more aware she becomes the more she seeks him out. She loves him so much and misses him when he's gone. The time of Mommy only is gone, and I know he's so happy to be such an important part of her happiness now.
I know he misses me too. He has "given up" asking for me. I have also given up trying to make time. I am tired. But I need to be there for him. I need to take care of him. She is getting older now and is less attached than when she was an infant. She is becoming strong and able to self entertain now. I need to give him more of me. I need to remember to not take him for granted. I need to be more trusting of him with our daughter and not nit pick everything he does with her. I need to find patience and be kind. He is her father and knows what he is doing. Even if he does something SLIGHTLY different than I would, it's still the same and is perfectly utterly the RIGHT way to do it. Because there are many RIGHT ways to do things and MY way doesn't mean it's the ONLY way. He does so much for our household. He never stops working on things.
He needs to be thanked. He needs to be appreciated. I need to become a little more unattached to lend time for him. Before I had children I told myself that I would always put our relationship first. Our strong base will give way for a healthy family, healthy household and healthy marriage. If that falters we are left with a broken home. Then it's all for nothing. He is the reason I wanted to have children. I wanted to have children WITH him. In order for that goal to be reached he has to be with us. He has to be happy. He has to be appreciated and loved. Without him the goal is not met. My lifelong dream of a family will not be. So I must change. I must never forget to put time aside just for him. To remember to cater to him. Cook for him. Show my love for him. To give him a back massage. To give him quality time.
I love my husband so much. I loved him first. I love him MORE. Because without him, she would not be.
Never forget this. Remember why she is here and what the ultimate goal is and always has been.
Create a plan. Actions speak louder than words and unless action is taken none of this matters.
So let's start now. What's for dinner?!